Dear Dennis Letters
B.I.L.Y. FOUNDER DENNIS PONCHER ANSWERS READERS' EMAIL QUESTIONS
11-Year Old Son Has Diabetes, Nevertheless…Love and Discipline
Dear Dennis:
My 11-year-old son recently passed his one year anniversary of living as a Type 1 diabetic, so he has extra challenges on his path. However, he is non-compliant with everything from using the restroom when he really needs to (#2) to household responsibilities to schoolwork. He calls himself stupid and says he should just die when confronted with the lies he tells often. He has been to two different counselors and I have not seen any improvements. His father and I are divorced but we are both remarried. I want to help my son, but seem unable to figure out what part to “fix” so we can concentrate on having fun and getting him back on track with his diabetes. Anyone have any suggestions? It seems we have tried everything we’ve heard of and nothing is working. — Barbara
Hi Barbara:
Your son will have these challenges for the remainder of his life or until someday, please God, that a cure is found. In the meantime, you must add a word to the fact that he has diabetes and that word is “Nevertheless.” You and your husband need to sit down and figure out what the house rules are and what chores your son is responsible for. Type them up and post them somewhere like the refrigerator. Then sit down with him and explain each rule and chore and remind him that if he breaks any of the rules or misses doing any of the chores, he will have consequences.
I am not sure what you are referring to when you say “what part to fix”, but you need to parent him with love and with discipline. That is what life is about. He will have to follow rules throughout his life time and the first place that he should start is in his home with the people who mean the most to him. If feeling special is important to your son, let it be for following the rules and cooperating in the home. Reward him for any consistency in following rules and chores so that he begins to learn that it is worth it. If there is a B.I.L.Y. group in your community, getting support from other parents will certainly be a plus. There are some good articles on our web site under references that you might glance through.
Type 1 diabetes is so much more treatable today then it was when I first met my wife in junior high in 1952 and found out that she had juvenile diabetes. We were best friends throughout school and throughout our marriage. She passed away in 1981. She left me with two children who now have children of their own. My daughter is now 45 and has recently developed Type 2 diabetes, so the disease remains in my family and always a concern.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Understand, your son is doing what he is doing because he can. The changes must start with you and your husband before he can make any changes. Finding a good therapist for him is also essential. Sometimes it takes going through a few until one clicks for him, or even contacting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Association for additional advise. Good luck. — Dennis
21-Year-Old Walking Down the Road to Disaster
Dear Dennis:
My husband (Paul) and I have one son (Brian), he is 21. He started getting in trouble as early as 16. Drugs, graffiti, etc. and a bad temper when disciplined. Things are much worse now. He was arrested in 2009 for drug sales, and we left him in jail for 3 months hoping he would learn his lesson. In short, he hasn't. We need help, we have tried every thing. I'm an emotional wreck, and it's affecting our health. We are at a loss and have no one to talk to for help. We have tried everything. I found your name through Google. I can't explain all cause I'm on a cell and don't text very good. Could you call me tomorrow? I'm in Fort Worth, Texas. — Patti
Hi Patti:
I assume that your 21-year-old is not living in your home. If he is, that's not working and it's time for him to go. If he is not and this negative behavior is still continuing, it is in his court, not yours. It doesn't mean that you should stop caring. But it does mean that you cannot fix him. He is the only one that can do that. If he chooses that life style, I for one would let him know that I do not want to see or hear from him until he is ready to seek help and change his negative behavior.
You cannot care for him but will always care about him. Being a witness to the negative behavior will continue to break you down. This is not a healthy situation. You need to take care of number one so that if and when your son makes some positive changes, you can be there for him, not while he continues on the road to disaster.
I am sure that in your state, there are places like La Hacienda that would help him, but he needs to make those choices, not you. For your support, AlAnon would be a good start. Of course B.I.L.Y. is another great resource but we are in the Dallas area, not in the Fort Worth area. You might want to contact our coordinator in Dallas for some additional resources. He would be more familiar than I, since he is based in Texas and I am in California. Please give him a call. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck. — Dennis
Adult Son on Drugs Wants Help and Needs a Support Group
Dear Dennis:
I found your web address in an article in the local newspaper. I went on the web and found it very interesting. I was wondering if there is a B.I.L.Y. support group in the Louisville, Kentucky area. I would be very interested in participating in it with my son. He is now in jail and has been for 7 days. He is hooked on opiates and says he wants help. We have known about this for about six to eight months and have tried everything. I do attend weekly Al-Anon meetings which are very helpful. He is 22 years old, but we are still very involved in his life. He lives at home. I would like to get involved in a family rehab, and from the videos on the website, it looks very encouraging. Thanks for all your help in advance. God Bless. — Sheri
Hi Shari:
The only B.I.L.Y. group we have in Kentucky is in Paducah, which I believe is some distance from Louisville. Al-Anon is a great meeting for you to continue with. Hopefully someday soon you will learn to let go so that your son can move out when he returns home from his stay in jail and begin a life on his own. He certainly is old enough for that. You can always be a part of his life, but he needs to start living on his own. It would best if he attends several 12 step programs when he is released. That way he will be able to obtain a sponsor as well as connect with other new friends that are working a sober program. You cannot do this for him. It must be his choice.
One of the best ways to get him to make changes is if you change. It must start with you. Having him return into the home is INSANITY. INSANITY is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. It's not going to happen. It is time for him to move on. If he wants help as he says, it is available, but he must be the one to seek it and join. Not your responsibility. His!!! Good luck and I will keep him in my prayers. Thanks. — Dennis
Adult Son Texts Mom 'I Don't Want You In My Life Anymore'
Dear Dennis:
I just read about your organization in the Annie's Mailbox column in my local newspaper. Unfortunately no meetings are close enough to me in CA.
My question for you is that I haven't seen or heard from my 34-year-old son in 15 months, and yesterday he texts me, my husband, and his sister that this will be last time we hear from him. He hates us almost as much as he hates himself. If we die before him, he won't care. He said not to contact him.
I just responded that we love you always. I want to try to see him and talk to him where he lives. I tried once before and he refused. Is this a bad idea? Do you think this is a cry for help? I believe he is an alcoholic and might have just lost his job of six years. Any advice would be great! If there any meetings in the Redondo Beach, CA area, please let me know. — Scared and Sad Mom
Dear Mom:
I wish we had a meeting near you. I know in May we will be opening up in Orange County, and that might be closer than the San Fernando Valley. We have actually had parents come from as far as Torrance, Anaheim, and even Long Beach.
As far as your son, it is in his court as to if and when he wants to see you. The wait may be long, but you must know these are his choices, not yours. If it were me, I would text him back and tell him that you will miss him and that you will pray everyday for his safety, good health, and happiness. I would also say that you look forward to the day when he wants to have a relationship once again with his family, but that it is up to him. This will be your last message to him until he wants to have his family back.
I know that it is very hard, and a support group would help. I wish we were closer. But in the meantime, concentrate on where you have some support and influence, and that is with your daughter and husband. I can relate because my daughter chose her abusive, drug-addict-dealing boyfriend over me at the age of 17, and she ran away with him for 8 years. I did not know where she was or even if she was. I never stopped missing her and praying that she would be safe, but I knew these were her choices and not mine. I have my story in a book titled Daddy, I'm Pregnant which will tell you of my highs and lows during my survival.
Your son has asked you not to contact him, and if it was me, I would abide by that with the exception of the above text. He needs to miss you and needs to want you in his life again, but he is in charge of that, not you. One more suggestion: from the text to him until the day that he returns, keep a journal of your feelings, anger, missing him, etc. Even on the holidays, buy a card and fill it out; put it in a box that someday you will give to him once he realizes that he needs his family in his life. It will show him that you never stopped loving him. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember my philosophy which is, in raising children, we will have pain BUT it is the suffering that is optional. Good luck. — Dennis
Dear Dennis:
I so appreciate your very prompt response to my email and your wise advice. It will be hard, but I will send that last text to him and keep him in my heart hoping some day he will want us back. I will also take your suggestion of writing a journal and keeping cards in a box. In the past I have written the cards and sent them to him with, of course, no response.
I'm sorry, but I have another question. After I wrote my email to you, I read some of the letters on your website, and they seemed to mostly be about teenagers, so possibly your support groups would not be appropriate for my situation? Since hearing from you I just might consider going out to the valley.
In any case, I want to very sincerely and appreciatively THANK YOU for responding to me. Because of your kindness in responding and helping to give me some direction, I feel that I can breathe for the first time since yesterday.
Because I Love You Has Been a Lifesaver
Dear Dennis:
What a lifesaver this program has been for me! When my adult child came back home to live, with the support of my group I was able to set boundaries/rules and establish goals to help him get back on feet. It worked! Thank you B.I.L.Y.!!! — Marie
Hi Marie:
I am so happy for you and your success! — Dennis
Daughter Became 18 and Thinks She Can Do Whatever She Wants Now
Dear Dennis:
I really don't know what to do with my daughter; she just turned 18 and got out from Juvenile. She thinks that she can do whatever she wants because she is 18. What can I do? — Veronica
Good morning Veronica:
Let me start out by saying that you are part of the problem. Now you must become part of the solution. Until your daughter turned 18, you were responsible for everything concerning her. Now all you will or can do for her is because you want to, not because you have to. You need to start out by creating a contract for her to remain living in your home. It should consist of what you are willing to provide for her and what she in return must provide for you. If you are near a B.I.L.Y. group, they will help you with this. If not, there are books and articles available on our web site to help you.
In my book "Daddy I'm Pregnant," I gave my children choices such as:
- Continue with your education and I will help you financially providing you are maintaining good grades and helping around the home.
- Quit school and pay rent, and a lease would be created. You would be treated like a boarder, meaning if you broke the lease, you would have to move.
- Pack your bags and find somewhere else to live.
I would support all three choices, but ownership belonged to them.
I created my B.I.L.Y. philosophy which is "In raising children, pain will always be inevitable; it is the suffering that is optional." You can do this. Get support from your spouse if available, and certainly get to a support group to mingle with other parents who are having or have had the same or similar issues. Remember, you are Number One. You must create structure and follow through with consequences. You are and always will be her parent. It is not your job to be her friend. Good luck and hang in there. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. — Dennis
Discipline Doesn't Help Her Rebellious 12-Year-Old
Dear Dennis:
I have a 12-year-old daughter who has been lying, stealing, shows no respect, and is failing in school. No matter what I do to discipline her, it doesn't affect her nor does she care. I'm really scared that she will be like her 17-year-old sister who is now a single mom and who has stolen from us and her father. My 12-year-old has great potential of being a singer for she has a beautiful voice and loves horses. I'm out of options of what to do; please help us. Sincerely — Phyllis
Good morning Phyllis:
Your daughter is doing what she is doing because she can. This means you must be part of the problem and the changes must start with you. If you are near a B.I.L.Y. group, I would strongly suggest that you attend our meetings to become part of the solution. If you are not, browse through our literature on our web site for some great help. Your daughter unfortunately had a role model that she may be following. You need to get started to make those changes. There is no magic formula and changes do not happen over night, but they do work providing that you are constant.
Also, check out my books for some guidance. If you are in California and near our Granada Hills group, then I will look forward to seeing you on Tuesday evening. Your daughter is a bit too young for our youth group which starts at age 13. We are also starting a parent support group in Van Nuys. Hang in there and remember, when raising children today, pain is inevitable, it is the suffering that is optional. Good luck — Dennis
Heroin Addicts Need a Because I Love You Support Group in Her Area
Dear Dennis:
Sussex County is plagued with heroine addictions! There really is no help available to the addicts or parents. We're losing our kids!
I tried a family/parent Anon group which was one hour away, but that didn't work for me. It felt more like a hopeless group. WE NEED B.I.L.Y. IN SUSSEX COUNTY, NEW JERSEY! — Suzanne
Hi Suzanne:
I am so sorry that there is no support for you in your community. I know that we have several Because I Love You locations in New Jersey, but I am in California and not that familiar with the locations of our groups that would be close to you. I hear all the time that the Anon meetings are just a place to unload war stories without any plans or suggested solutions, such as we do in B.I.L.Y. You mustn't give up even though you may give in many times.
Heroin is becoming a problem across the nation. The price has dropped and pot is even being laced with it. I wish we were in a position to open groups in every community. Unfortunately, since we are a free program and run by volunteers, we receive no funding or grants. This makes it impossible for us to travel and train other groups. We then must rely on a core group of parents who make a commitment to open and run one of our support groups. That is how most of our out-of-state groups have started. Many don't stay open too long because getting parents to want to stay with any program as a volunteer is a real battle. It is so sad because we are losing our youth every day to drugs and gang violence. I can't understand how parents don't understand that this all begins in the home, and they must get back in control. I tell parents every night that if they want their children to change, then the first to change must be the parents. Something they are doing is not working. I wish I could have been more helpful. Check our website under Reference Library for some helpful articles. Good luck. — Dennis
How Can I Purchase the Because I Love You Program Book?
Dear Dennis:
I happened to find your B.I.L.Y. Program Book in Albuquerque at a garage sale. It changed my life. I would like to purchase several copies for friends and family. Is that possible? Let me know how. — Peggy
Dear Peggy:
I am so glad that the book was helpful, and certainly you can purchase them. Just go to our website store - B.I.L.Y. Program Store - to purchase it there. We also have them in Spanish. Thanks. — Dennis
How to Leave an Inheritance to a Spendthrift Child
Dear Dennis:
Our daughter (36) has gone through two inheritances through bad judgment. It was $30K the first time and over $100K the second. We are thinking of setting up a trust fund for her when both of us are gone. We have a son, and we were thinking of having him in charge of the trust. Do you think this is a good idea? — David
Dear David:
How can I answer this when I know so little of the details? I do feel that if your son is a responsible business man and you are comfortable with having him control the inheritances, then perhaps that is the way to go. There are also financial establishments that can be set up to handle your inheritances. Obviously, you would not be comfortable with just handing over a large sum to your daughter, especially with her past history of bad judgement. I always feel that a minimum amount spread over a long period of time seems to work the best, with an unused balance (in case of the death of the recipients) going to the next of kin with the same time frame of distribution.
I also trust that you will deservingly use a greater portion of that inheritance to enjoy your remaining years. Donate some to worthy causes and watch the growth of those organizations with your help. Paying it forward is a gift that so many fortunate people forget to do. To me, it is a blessing when you can help others and a journey that one must be on while they are in a position to help those less fortunate.
I know that personally, I devote every spare moment of my life in helping families in crisis. Because I Love You has saved my life and that of my children, and there is no amount of payment I can provide to ever pay them back for that gift. B.I.L.Y. has existed over the past 30 years strictly on donations and volunteers such as myself. It is my journey and my mission. My children will not have much of a monetary inheritance as I am not a person of means and live on a fixed income. However, I will be leaving them the richness of knowledge on how to spread love to others less fortunate and to see that groups such as B.I.L.Y. continue to flourish.
Thank you for writing to me and I wish you a long, healthy, and enjoyable life ahead of you before you have to put your plan into action. Best of luck. — Dennis
How to Start a Because I Love You Support Group in Your Area
Dear Dennis:
I would like information regarding how to start a support group using the B.I.L.Y. techniques for parents and youth in my area. I currently live in Northern California near Eureka. — Mona
Hi Mona:
Please click here on the Start A Group link of our website. Be sure to email me with any questions or concerns before getting started. Also be sure that you have a group of parents that are willing to help you get the group started. It takes at least four to five parents who are willing to make that commitment. I am sure that the need is great in your community, as it is in all areas today. Look forward to hearing back from you. — Dennis
I Want to Start a Parent Support Group in My Area and Make a Difference
Dear Dennis:
How can I get information about starting a parent support group in my area? I believe that it is something that is needed. I would love to have copies of your parent contracts for teens and some general information. I want to make a difference in the area here. Please help me if you can. It would mean a lot. — Darlene
Hi Darlene:
First you need to go to our website and click on Start A Group and review it carefully. Then you need to gather a core group of maybe five to six parents that would be willing to commit to helping you get the group started and would stay with you for at least six months. After you have those important steps taken care of, then contact me and we will talk before you send for the packet. I don't want you to spend the $150 unless you are fully prepared. By the way, what area are you in? We can also advertise your contact email and name under our Community Board for people to contact you if they would be interested in helping to start a group in your area. If you have any other questions or concerns, fire away. We are always excited in the possibilities of getting another B.I.L.Y. group going. In today's world, parents are so in need of the support that B.I.L.Y. groups offer. Keep me posted. Thanks. — Dennis
I Want to Start a Parent Support Group in Pakistan
Dear Dennis:
I need some information on starting up a new support group in my city. I live in Karachi, Pakistan. There is a huge need for the parents living here to be able to share their stress and deal with it accordingly. I will appreciate if you could guide me. Regards. — Faiza
Dear Faiza:
Thanks you for your interest in B.I.L.Y. Before moving ahead, you need to collect a few parents who would be willing to make the commitment to help you get a group started. Once you have that in place, then you can begin to move forward. On our website there is a section that tells one how to start a group (see Start A Group). I would suggest that you print that out, and present it to the group of parents that are willing to help you.
Finding a place where you could hold your meeting weekly that would be free of charge is then one of the first steps. Once that is established, then you could send for our opening packet which gives you all the instructions for running a group.
I am sure that the need is great in your community, as it is all over the world today. It is so important that we as parents take hold of the situation and get back to basics. We need to set rules and see to it that they are followed through. We need to issue consequences for their negative behavior as well as reward their positive behavior. With the support of a weekly parent group, you will soon learn that in order for your children to make changes, the parents must first change.
You will most likely have many questions and concerns, as will the few parents that you will unite with in getting this group started. Prior to sending for the packet, gather together and then get back to me. I am only an email away. Good luck and I look forward to hearing back from you. — Dennis
Is My Son An Addict?
Dear Dennis:
My son is 16. His dad is a drug addict and stopped calling him 3 years ago. I am an alcoholic with 10 years recovery and have overcome a lot myself. My life is good and stable, however, my son has been smoking pot for 3 years, not every day, mostly on weekends. His grades are challenging, F's and D's but have gotten a bit better. He is very defiant, disrespectful, and I have spoiled him with my success. Perhaps due to guilt about his dad and our struggles. He is a good kid, big heart, but I do not know him anymore. Is he too an addict? Please advise. I am thinking of wilderness therapy, but he ran away to his unruly, manipulative dad's mom’s house (his dad is homeless). I am a mess and cannot stop thinking “shoulda,” “coulda,” “woulda.” I love my son more than anything. — Michelle
Hi Michelle:
I guess the first question to ask you is where you are located. If you are writing from the San Fernando Valley in California, I can give you some immediate responses to your problems and certainly would advise you to get yourself and your son to our weekly meetings. Our location in Granada Hills and the one in Canada are the only two of all our groups that offer a youth group along with our parenting group.
From what you have written, I would totally suspect that your son is an addict. But at this time, you are a major part of the problem and you need to become part of the solution. That can only be done through your changes. Whatever you have been doing is not working. If you are near a B.I.L.Y. group, then you need to start attending the weekly meetings. If you are not near one, then check out Al-Anon in your community and get to their meetings. You need the support of others who are having or have had the same or similar issues. All is not lost. In raising children, pain is inevitable , but it is the suffering that is strictly optional. Good luck and if you are in the vicinity of where I meet every week, which is Granada Hills, then I will expect to see you at 7:00 p.m. this coming Tuesday evening at Granada Hills Charter High School. All our current locations are listed on our website under Meeting Locations, as well as some valuable articles under our references. Good luck. — Dennis
It Can Be Hard to Let Go When They Grow Up and Make Bad Choices
Hello Dennis:
A month ago my son got into some serious trouble along with his two roommates. The court states he has to stay away from his co-defendants until he finishes his drug counseling. In court my son passed his drug test, but his roommates did not. After all of this is over, they will all reunite because they are BFF'S [best friends forever] and have been involved in a rap singing group since they were 13 (now 19.) I am worried sick my son will mess up again because of his friends. He says he his sorry and was stupid and will prove it to me in time. I cannot get him to see that his friends will take him down. Help me to make him see. He is a good kid and just went away to college where he messed up big time. I do not trust him now, but I love him and am helping him out of this the best I can. He knows I will not help the next time. I know he has to learn, but that still does not keep my heart from breaking. Thank you. — Joanna
Hi Joanna:
Letting go is a hard task for all parents, but it is the task that you must perform here. He screwed up, realizes it, and took ownership of it, and you must let him be free to make these choices. Life is all about choices. If he makes the right ones, he will reap the benefits, and if he makes the wrong ones, he will suffer the consequences. This does not mean that you don't love him. That never stops. But lessons now will be learned by him and not by you teaching him. Keep him in your prayers, and always remind him that you love him and that you feel confident that he will make the right choices. Good luck. — Dennis
Looking for a Because I Love You Support Group for Her Family
Dear Dennis:
I am the grandmother. My family and I are looking for a support group in the Phoenix, Arizona area. Because I Love You has been recommended to me by my dear friend who used your support group many years ago in successfully reaching and healing her own family. My daughter and her family live in the 85331 zip code area. Do you have a support group in or close to the above zip code area? Also, what is required to become part of the support group? Thank you from a concerning family. — Prudence
Dear Prudence:
Unfortunately, we do not currently have a B.I.L.Y. group in Arizona. I would be happy to answer any questions or concerns with your daughter, if she writes in to Dear Dennis. If it is a drug problem, she could also seek out Al-Anon. In addition, there are some great references on our website under Reference Library that she may want to download. Thanks. — Dennis
Thank you,
I will forward the below to her. Do you know of any other support group? — Prudence
Hi Prudence:
I wish I did. Al-Anon is the only active groups that we know of, but they are strictly drug related. Best place to check would be the Internet in her area. Good luck. — Dennis
Mental Health Professional Seeks to Start Parent Support Group in Skid Row
Dear Dennis:
I have started a mental health program in Skid Row for children in the area. Recently we started expanding to include parent support. However, I am unable to accommodate all of the needs of the population. Is there any chance that a group can be started at the facility I work with? Thanks. — Lisa
Hi Lisa:
Please visit out our website on the Start A Group page. All our groups are affiliates on their own under our banner. If you have any questions or concerns after reading the material, please feel free to contact me. We do not start the groups ourselves, but our packet contains information on how we run our groups.
Since we are all volunteer parents and no one gets paid, we all work during the day and have committed to running our weekly meeting here in Granada Hills, California. I am not sure where you are writing from, but if there is a B.I.L.Y. meeting near you (see Find A Meeting), I would suggest that you pay us a visit and see a group in progress.
Good luck on your journey in Skid Row. I am pleased to hear of your venture -- what a great thing you are doing. And thanks for your interest in B.I.L.Y. — Dennis
Mom Desperately Needs to Find a Local Support Group
Dear Dennis:
I read about B.I.L.Y. and would like to find a support group close to home. I am in need of help with my son, age 17 1/2, before he ends up dead or in jail. Please contact me if you have any info for me either about B.I.L.Y. or any other local group. Thank you. — Elissa
Hi Elissa:
Have you checked on our website under Find A Meeting to see if we have a location in your community? If B.I.L.Y. is near you, we surely can help. If we do not have a meeting near you and it is a drug related issue, I strongly suggest Al-Anon. They are in most communities and their hot line number is 1-800-344-2666. Your son is almost eighteen and from that point on, you will lose much control. You need to get involved with some immediate support. Also check out our Reference Library on our website for some good reading material that you may find very helpful. Remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck. — Dennis
Moving Out for 18-Year-Old Can Be an Opportunity for Growth
Dear Dennis:
Thanks for your support, but my child has broken all the contracts that she has ever signed. I thought that there was something wrong with her brain because she will sign a contract today and breaks it tomorrow. I took her to several psychologists and therapists, some of whom have done brain scans on her and said there was nothing wrong with her brain. She is not on drugs, not having sex and as one doctor puts it, "she has a desperate attempt to control her own behavior". We could not let her raise herself because she was a child.
Well, now that she is almost 18, I am ready to have her raise herself. I have given her a moving date of September 7, when she will be 18. She is asking friends, but no one will take her in. I am thinking that maybe we can rent a room from someone for her so that we don't have to live with her, and if she screws that up then we are done. I have also asked her to find a job. She is actively looking for one. I think my BIG issue with letting her go is that she was adopted by us and I feel as if I am throwing her away again. My spouse and I are on the same page and we both feel the same way. I am in the Antelope Valley Area-Los Angeles County. I am not sure if there is a B.I.L.Y. group here. Thank you. — Janet
Hi Janet:
Antelope Valley is a bit of a distance from Granada Hills, but we have had parents travel even further to attend our meetings. There is no B.I.L.Y. group any closer. I hope that you will get some support soon that will help you see that you are not throwing her away but giving her the opportunity to grow and experience what is ahead of her. You love her and that will never change. But it is time for her to witness reality and to make her own choices. Approach the September date as an opening of a new beginning for your daughter rather then a consequence. Support her with positive vibes. If helping her find a room to rent is part of the plan, be sure that she understands that she has ownership of that plan not you. There are a variety of shelters if it fails, but she must realize that coming back into the home after she moves out will no longer be an option. Good luck and stay strong and focused. — Dennis
THANK YOU DENNIS.
I really like that last sentence, "coming back into the home after she moves out will no longer be an option". Thank you so much. I will take that with me. I needed to hear that. — Janet
My 10-Year-Old Is Breaking Into Neighbor's Home and Stealing
Dear Dennis:
Please help me, I do not know what else to do. My child just turned 10 and it has gone from worse to worse. She has been breaking into my neighbor’s house and took her friend's wallet and everything. Please help. — Alejandra
Dear Alejandra:
This kind of behavior in a 10-year-old is very alarming, and I would suggest she get some therapy and also perhaps an evaluation from a psychiatrist to see if there are any mental issues. If there is not, you need to tighten the ropes on her activities. She is doing these negative things because she is able to. That means the changes need to start with you and your spouse, if he is in the picture.
Posting rules and having consequences for breaking those rules must be standard procedure in your home. I would also suggest that if your neighbor did not file any charges, you also take your daughter down to your local police station and have her talk to the juvenile detective.
Hopefully you are near a B.I.L.Y. group because support is always of value, especially from other parents who are having the same or similar issues. Above all, you must not give up. She needs the structure and following through on consequences. You also need to keep close eyes and ears on her friends and perhaps a call to her friends’ parents if this behavior continues. Check our web site under references for some good articles. Good luck. — Dennis
My 16-Year-Old Has Attempted Suicide Three Times
Dear Dennis:
My 16-year-old son has made three attempts on his life, as well as, drinking and drug taking. I have spent the last two years trying to get help for him and supporting him. I now find I need some support and I do not know who to ask or where to turn. — Allison
Dear Allison:
Yes, you do need some support and there are so many details I would need to know before offering any more specific advice. However, my first question is: are you near a B.I.L.Y. group? (You did not mention what area you live in.) If not, then I would strongly suggest that you attend Al-Anon. You must get some support and your son needs immediate help before he makes any more attempts on his life. You need to stay strong because you will be no good to anyone if you fall apart. Your son needs you to help him get through this trying and dangerous time. Has he seen a psychiatrist? Has he been in any rehab for his addiction? You mentioned that you had spent the last two years trying to get help for him, and I know how painful and exhausting that must be for you; however, you cannot give up on him even though you may have found yourself giving in many times. It is vital that you get involved in a group with other parents who are having or have had the same or similar problems. You cannot do this alone. Up to this point, whatever you have been doing is not working, so you need to turn the page and make some changes. Getting yourself into a support network is one of those changes. Good luck and keep me posted. — Dennis
My Daughter Is Only 9 Years Old - Will B.I.L.Y. Still Benefit Me?
Dear Dennis:
Your B.I.L.Y. group was strongly recommended to me by a PsyD; however, my daughter is only 9 years old. Do you think I can still benefit from coming to your group? Is there a B.I.L.Y. group more for her age group? Thank you. — Christina
Hi Christina:
We have parents who attend B.I.L.Y. who are dealing with children as young as 6 years old. We welcome parents who have children of all ages. We do also have a youth group on the same night but that is for teens. Learning new and effective parenting skills before your youth turns into a teen is a smart move and should help you to maintain structure and cooperation with less stress. Hope we will see you tonight. Thanks. — Dennis
Our Grown Son Is An Alcoholic - We Need Support
Dear Dennis:
I would like to find a support group for my husband who is trying to deal with the alcoholism of his grown son. I will keep searching through your information to see what I can find. We live in Pittsburgh, PA. Thanks! It is wonderful what you are doing and have been doing. — Kathy
Hi Kathy:
We only have the Doylestown Parent Support Group in Pennsylvania, but I would strongly suggest that you and your husband attend Al-Anon. It is a support group for parents dealing with drug and alcohol use by family members. Keep in mind that it is his grown son who must make the choice to get clean and sober. You both can help by getting as much information as possible, but keep in mind that he has ownership of this, not you. Also remember to remind your husband that sometimes the change may need to start with the parents, because whatever you have been doing in dealing with this, it is not working. That means you and your spouse could be a part of the problem and need to become part of the solution. Good luck and don't give up even though you may feel as if you both have given in. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. — Dennis
Out of Control 18-Year-Old
Dear Dennis:
I am a single mother of four children ages 26, 24, 20, and 18. Currently my 18-year-old and 20-year-old still reside at home. My 18-year-old is my only son, and he has dropped out of school, has no job, and smokes pot constantly. He has severe anger issues and has trashed my house on numerous occasions. He moved out for several months and has just now moved back home. The cops have been to my home on numerous occasions because of his behaviors and removed him for evaluations a few times. I am at my wits end on what do! I know I need to do something, I just don't know where to start. He is still my child and I love him with all my heart, but I can't live in his craziness any longer. I am looking for someone who has been in my shoes, I guess, to let me know what they did, what worked, and what did not. Please help me help him!! Thank you! — Mary
Dear Mary:
Have you checked to see if there is a B.I.L.Y. group in your area? See our Find A Meeting page. You need support in learning how to let go. Also on our website is some valuable information under Reference Library for you to look at. You should also contact Al-Anon and attend their meetings. They are all over the country and their meeting hotline is 1-800-344-2666.
Remember, your son does what your son does because he can. Not until you change, can he. I don't doubt that you love him, but you certainly don't like him at this point. Remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Until your son hits his bottom, he will continue to allow you to enable him. Most parents in your situation would not allow him to remain in their home unless he was getting some help either in therapy or attending some 12 step programs. If he was not willing to at least do that, then most families would toss him out and change the locks. If he tried to get back in, they would call the police and have him arrested. That is going to happen at some time if he is allowed to continue with this behavior.
Drug users or addicts either end up in jail, or the morgue. You need to start being part of the solution and not continue being part of the problem. Get some support right away from other parents dealing with the same or similar issues. Al-Anon is a great starting place. Good luck. — Dennis
Parent’s Divorce; Adoptive Mom Needs Help with Teenage Son
Dear Dennis:
Are there any support groups in south Florida? I live near Ft. Lauderdale, and I am in desperate need of support. I am a guidance counselor and a psychotherapist and have helped thousands of children in my 30 years of practice, but I can't save my own child! Even an online group would be helpful. I am an adoptive parent of a 13-year-old son, adopted at birth, ADHD, ODD, highly gifted, and with many medical problems. He has destroyed my marriage; I am now divorced and his dad is useless. I am all alone with this. Any help is appreciated. — LB
Dear LB:
Sadly there are no B.I.L.Y. groups or to my knowledge any like them in Florida. I know the need is great, but we do not have the funds to travel and open groups since we do not receive any funding and our groups are free. I would suggest that you contact your local Mental Health and see if they have any referrals.
I'm sorry to hear that a marriage was destroyed because of your son's behavior. Hopefully you and your ex can work on finding a solution. The changes must start with you both, because whatever you have been doing is not working. It doesn't mean that it was wrong, just not productive.
If I was in your shoes, I would probably attempt to start a support group with other parents having the same or similar issues. I am sure there are many out there that have the need. That is how I started B.I.L.Y. in 1982 with just a handful of parents. Advertise in your local paper, put flyers around the town, and post in social media that you are interested in starting a support group for parents of children with the same or similar issues. Contact some local psychiatrists to let them know that you are looking to start a group, and I am sure they could give you some referrals.
Trust me, there is nothing greater than to have support, a place to talk about your problems, and to be with other parents going through the same or similar issues. It saved my sanity, it saved my children, and it saved my life. You have let it go on much too long. Remember Pain is Inevitable when raising children but the Suffering is Optional. I know that you want to save your child, but you need to take care of yourself first because you will be of no help to him if your fall completely apart. Check my web site for some good articles and books also. Good luck and you will be in my thoughts and prayers... — Dennis
Poker Tournament Fund Raiser Raises Question
Dear Dennis:
Interesting that I found your website while looking to give a friend help with his teen. The first thing I see is a poker tourney. Are you aware of what a problem teen gambling has become? Would you also have a drinking tourney to raise funds?
Gambling may be legal in many areas, but it seems strange that you would not be more sensitive as to the problem it is for kids. Poker parties and tourneys are a major issue on both the high school and the college campuses. Please give this some thought. — Dennis M.
Dennis:
I am surprised at your response. First of all, the players must be adults. Also, we are not the only organization that uses the tournaments and silent auctions as a fund raiser. Many of the schools in our state and others states have the same or similar fund raisers. We have never encountered any issues on gambling problems from any of our thousands of parents who have or are currently attending our program.
To answer your concern about us possibly having a drinking tournament, which I have never even heard of, B.I.L.Y. does not allow alcohol served at any of its functions. So rest well on that issue.
I trust that in place of concentrating on our fund raiser, that you were able to find some help on our website for your friend. Thanks. — Dennis
Rebellious Teen Needs to See Consequences to His Choices
Dear Dennis:
I am a divorced mother who is having a very rough time with a 15-year-old rebellious son who has been caught drinking and smoking pot. He also has no respect for anyone and has verbally abused me and his little brother. I have tried numerous times to co-parent with his father and it never works. His father has come to pick him up when we have issues and is overly sympathetic to our child. He will state one thing and then do exactly the opposite. I do not know what to do, let our son live with his father? I feel like I am giving him to the one person who will not give my son any type of guidance.
My son states he wants to live with his Dad and recently went for a week. He then came back and after a therapy session, he was extremely disrespectful and used foul language. When he was punished, he was right back at his Dad's when I told him that his disrespect and foul language is not tolerated in our house. I do not want him to keep this back and forth thing up, and I am at a loss with what to do. How do I let him go live with someone who I feel has no respect for anyone else either -- his Dad has done horrible things to me, that is why I left. He says he loves his son, but he has not been what I would call an active father, only sweeping in when he can be the rescuer or the hero. Any advice on what to do would be helpful. Thank you for your time. — Rachel
Dear Rachel:
First question, is there a B.I.L.Y. group in your community? Your email does not state where you are. You can check on our website using the Find A Meeting link. If so, we can help you by having you attend our meetings for needed support.
If there is no B.I.L.Y. meeting near you, then I would strongly suggest that you contact Al-Anon for some support. The key word here is support. I have found, not only personally but in the thousands of cases that have come through our doors, that it works when you do not try to do it alone. You need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. The changes must first start with you. Not that what you have been doing is wrong, just not working.
You have no control over your ex and his parenting or lack of it. You are responsible for what structure that you create in your home. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do in this situation and what I know other parents have done. Tighten your structure, present the rules to your son. Let your ex see a copy of the rules, and also let him know that you are not running a swinging door for your son to be able to run to him each time he is not happy with your rules or the consequences.
If your son prefers living with the Disneyland dad, give him the rope and see how that goes for a period of time until your ex says, 'I cannot handle this.' Then your son will lose the option of back and forth, and your ex will not be there to undermine you. If your son chooses to live with your ex, be sure he understands that returning to your home may not be an option unless he is willing to sign a contract and attend some meetings for help.
Perhaps at some time, you might even be able to get your ex on the same page as you in disciplining your son with proper structure. If your son continues to abuse illegal drugs while living under your roof, you will be responsible for his actions. He needs to be attending a 12 step program on a regular basis or he may end up in jail or even worse. He is 15 and the time to jump on this is now, before it becomes a permanent record.
Remember this: your son does what your son does because he can. Also, and I live by this: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. You must never give up, even though you have found yourself giving in many times. Also check our Reference Library on our website for some valuable information. Good luck, and I hope I have given you some help or direction. — Dennis
Retired Father is Depressed
Dear Dennis:
My father appears to be very depressed and doesn't want to leave his house. He is retired (he was laid off from work), has no savings, and hates life now. What is the best method to get him out of the house and socialize? He will go out for lunch, but no walks, no local clubs, no vacations, won't celebrate holidays. I offer to pay for everything, but he won't accept anything. I sent him an Omaha steaks package for Easter, but once again he will stay home by himself. Thanks in advance for your advice. — Marnie
Hi Marnie:
There are many senior citizen recreation places around towns and hopefully in your community. I would suggest that you take him to one and stay with him for a few times to see if he connects. Also check with the local hospitals, libraries, food banks, and shelters; maybe you can get him to volunteer some community service. Does he have any friends or family members close to his age that you can have a social at his place to get others to come to him if he won't reach out? You did not mention his age. He may need some therapy and you should also look into that. It sounds like he is experiencing depression and perhaps medical advice may also be advisable. Good luck. I am sure it is very hard for you to watch this happening to your father, but you need to do all you can to get him motivated as best you can, if you can. He may chose not to do anything, and then all you can do is stay in touch, let him know you love him and that you are there for him. Good luck. — Dennis
School Social Worker Wants a Because I Love You Speaker for the Parents
Dear Dennis:
Do you still have groups in this area? If so, I'd like some references please. I am the school social worker at a large public high school with many truancy issues. I would like to get a speaker out to the school to speak with parents. Please let me know what, if any, resources are out there in the community. Many thanks. — Ethel
Hi Ethel:
It saddens me when I receive letters from so many communities that are without a group such as B.I.L.Y. Since we are all volunteers and no paid employees, we must rely on obtaining parents who are willing to make that commitment to starting a B.I.L.Y. group, and that is not easily acquired. Although we know that the need is so great in today's world with the escalation of the drug issues, crime, education, and economical problems within the family structures, getting parents to take the plunge has been our biggest hurdle.
Since we receive no funding and rely solely on donations, we do not have the availability to send staff out to the various communities outside of California to train and get a group underway. Some of our out-of-state groups were able to raise the funds after first creating a core group of parents that were willing to commit to getting a B.I.L.Y. group started. Then I was able to travel to their states and spend a few days in training and be there for the opening.
Our website has a section that talks about how to get a B.I.L.Y. group started (see Start A Group). I would love to travel through all the states and visit the various schools to talk about B.I.L.Y., but we do not have the funds to provide that service. Unfortunately, we do not have a group in or near you at this time. Keep an eye on the website and hopefully someday we will get a response from a group of parents interested in starting a B.I.L.Y. group in Maryland.
Thank you so much for your interest, and I just wish I could have provided a better response. — Dennis
Update: As of the time of this update, there is currently a B.I.L.Y. Parent Support Group in Maryland. Check our Find A Meeting page for current Parent Support Group locations.Son Has ADHD and Mom Is Ready to Give Up
Dear Dennis:
I'm a single mother of a 14-year-old son who has recently "become another child." That's the only way I know how to say it. To make my LONG story short, he's been staying with my parents since December 2010. The reason for him staying with them is because we've had big "blow-ups" (confrontations) with one another. He has ADHD, and I think he's Bipolar but hasn't been diagnosed yet. He's very defiant, disobedient, can be destructive, doesn't think realistically, confrontational, disrespectful....the list goes on and on. The reason why I'm writing is because I'm at my limit with him. I've done EVERYTHING that I can think of...even going to counseling doesn't help. I'm almost at a point where I just want to "throw my hands up" and give up. I need some more advice on what to do. And when I say give up, I've been thinking about signing my rights over and letting my parents have him....but he's NOT their responsibility. I don't know WHAT ELSE TO DO!!!!! HELP!!!!!
Dear Ericka:
Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional!! If you want some changes, it has to start with you. First thing is to get yourself some support. You did not mention where you were writing from, but if there is a B.I.L.Y. support group in your area, I would suggest that you get yourself to a meeting (see Find A Meeting). If you are near the Granada Hills, California group, then you can also bring your son to our Youth Support Group.
You should also have an IEP (Individualized Education Program) done for your son at his school and get an Advocate to work with you in the chance of getting him into a residential program out of state that will be funded by Mental Health and the School Board.
You can't give up, even though you feel you have given in many times. Support is the key word here, and we have dealt with many parents with the same or similar issues. Find a support group and get to a meeting as soon as possible. If there is no group in your area, go online and see if there is a support group for parents of an ADHD or even Bipolar youth. Good luck. — Dennis
Son Wants To Drive But Not Respecting Rules
Dear Dennis:
My son, who will be 15 next month, asked me today if he could get "behind the wheel time" with me in my car in the near future. I told him that he needed to take his current responsibilities more seriously before I would even consider it. He seems to think that I need to let him drive my car. I can't get him to take care of his stuff, and he wants me to let him use mine. I need my car for getting to work to pay for things (like my car). I asked him if he knew what I was saying and he said "Yeah. Ask Dad if he will let me drive his car." He might have been kidding, but my husband usually lets the kids do what they want. I just walked away. I feel like I do not matter. How else could I have responded to this? — Rebecca
Dear Rebecca:
Are you and your husband living under the same roof? If so, then you and your husband need to be on the same page. There needs to be rules posted in your home and one of the rules should say when he will be able to drive. Most kids I deal with have driving contracts that contain "Grades must be..." "Respect in the home..." "Chores..." "No illegals...", of which driving before he is even 15 is against the law here in California. I do not know where you are writing from or even what the laws are in your state if you are not in California. Hopefully you are near one of our B.I.L.Y. groups and you will come for some needed support. Check our Meeting Locations page for the group locations.
You and your husband need to sit down and come up with some rules and chores and post them. Tell your son that his driving privileges will happen once he reached the legal age to get a permit, and of course once the rules are being followed. The playing of one parent against the other is not an option. It is part of the problem and needs to change. There are a lot more serious issues happening with youth today, and if you do not create the proper structure in your home, you may be opening the doors to some more serious behavior. Good luck. — Dennis
Take Back Control of Your Home to Stop Chaos
Dear Dennis:
I am the father of four sons ages 19, 18, 14 and 10. My 19-year-old was born with an emotional disability and we deal with it, but our other three sons are just getting to be too much for us. My 18-year-old doesn't want to do a thing for us, or expects to get paid for the slightest thing he does. My wife has a bad heart, and he will sit there and watch her struggle trying to do something. He refuses to get a job and teaches our younger children inappropriate things, such as making fun of people and picking on people to the extent that we don't want to take them anywhere anymore. My two youngest children had played sports for years, but now seem to want follow in my 18-year-old's footsteps and we just cant allow it. Any help is greatly appreciated! Thank you. — Nick
Hi Nick:
Your 18-year-old, as well as any of the boys, do what they do because they can. This means that some things that you and your wife are doing are not working. The changes must start with you. My suggestion is that you start by creating the general rules in the house with chores for each child. If you were to stay in a hotel or motel anywhere, there are always rules posted on the door of the room where you are staying. Your home needs to contain the same. It helps to keep you consistent and also to promote the structure of your home without constant nagging or engaging. You are the parents, take back the control. Allowing the negative behavior of your 18-year-old will only be passed on to your younger boys if they see that he is able to get away without suffering the consequences of his behavior. Remind them that if they break any of the rules, they will have consequences.
I also suggest that you go to our web site and read and print up some of the references that are there. These will help you and your wife in making the changes. If there is a B.I.L.Y. group in your community, that should be your next stop. You need that added support to make the changes that are necessary. Your focus and energies need to be on your wife and her health. You don't want to lose her. I lost my wife of seventeen years to complications from Diabetes. But I know that while she was alive, my children had to respect her and help in any ways that they could.
You need to have a family meeting after you and your wife establish what the rules and chores are. At that time, stress that there will be consequences for any breaking of any of the rules. Also remind your 18-year-old that legally, you do not have to provide him with anything including housing and food. You are providing all the comforts and perks because you want to not, because you have to. And if the negative behavior continues, then the perks and conveniences of living in your home will begin to disappear. Stay strong and remember: Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck. — Dennis
Teeanage Daughter Has Boundary Issues
Dear Dennis:
I have a 14-year-old daughter with internal boundary issues. I am looking for a B.I.L.Y. group to help us. We live in San Mateo County California. Are there any groups in our area? — Nina
Hi Nina:
Unfortunately we do not have a B.I.L.Y. group in your community. The best advice I can give you without knowing any of the details is that if you want your daughter to change, then the first person or persons that need to change are you and your spouse (if involved). Of course, it is so much more effective when you have a support network behind you. However, you must never give up even though you find yourself giving in many times.
I suggest that you refer to our website Reference Library for some valuable information that may give you a new start. Be sure that you create some rules and chores, and post them for your daughter and any other children in the house. Remind them that if any rules are broken, they will earn a consequence, and then be sure that you share this with your spouse if he is part of the internal family.
You should also click on Start A Group to see what it takes to get one going in your community. I am sure the need is great. Best of luck and thanks for your interest in B.I.L.Y. — Dennis
The Communication Skills We Learned Have Lasted for Years
Dear Dennis:
Hello. I met someone from Because I Love You quite a number of years ago, late 1990s actually. I was going through a painful and abusive divorce. My son is 30 years old now, he is not married or in a serious relationship. I want to let you know the communication and talking skills we shared together with your group weekly have lasted all these years. THANK YOU! Our lives finally came back together, to share love as a family (my sons and I). We survived. B.I.L.Y. gave me someone to talk to outside our daily dysfunctional lives. I just thought to see if B.I.L.Y. was online. Best Regards — Laurie
Hi Laurie:
Thank you so much for your kind words and positive update. Yes, we are still around, and as you must have seen on our web site, we have many locations including out of state. We continue to offer our services Free of Charge. Volunteering becomes more worthwhile to us when we receive letters such as yours. Thank you so much! — Dennis
The First Person That Must Change Is You
Dear Dennis:
Hi, I have heard about this program through a radio station every day. I have searched for your program near where I live which is Astoria, NY but there is no location near my neighborhood. I would really love to join this group and make an effort for me and my family. I would like to see your program near where my neighborhood is and it would help me a lot and also other family members that need this program. Thank you for reading my letter. — Miguel
Dear Miguel:
I wish we had the ability to open groups in all communities but this is not an easy task. Since our programs are run by volunteers and we have no paid employees, we have to rely on parents who are willing to train and open groups in their areas. Our web site does contain information on how to get a group started; however, it is not a one man job and there is some cost involved. Hopefully one day there will be a B.I.L.Y. group near you. Here in California, we sometimes have parents drive up to two hours just to get to a meeting.
Our web site has some very helpful articles under our reference library that you may find useful. Not knowing your issues I can only remind you that in order for your child or children to change, the first person that must change is you. What you are doing is not necessarily wrong but it is not working. You must establish house rules for all family members, post them and then be sure to follow through with consequences if the rules are broken. If you are dealing with a drug problem, you can search for an Al-Anon meeting in your area. Above all, do not give up. Good luck. — Dennis
Time for Adult Child to Move Out!!
Dear Dennis:
My son is 22 years old. From 6 am to 4 pm he is on the phone, texting, or talking. He does not want to go to school, or get another job in the morning. Since 2007 he has been out of high school. He works from 20 - 30 hrs a week part time in the kitchen at the local hospital. Yes, he has been sleeping with his girl, a bad influence. HELP!
Hello:
Time for him to move out!!!!! He is doing what he is doing because he can and because you continue to enable that to happen. His only chance to make some changes is after you make some changes. Get some support if you cannot do it alone. Good luck. — Dennis
What Does It Take to Start a Parent Support Group?
Dear Dennis:
Please give me more information on parent support groups: what is the content, format, frequency etc.? Do you train people to be leaders of these groups? Thanks. — Tom
Hi Tom:
Did you check our website under Start A Group? Some of your questions or concerns perhaps will be answered there. Our groups all meet once a week. They are run by trained parents with no professionals. Well, maybe professional parents. If we are opening a local group, then we send a staff to train the parents. If the group is out of the area or state or even country, then we provide training manuals in our opening packet, which is explained on our website. We also have sent personnel out of state to train for a weekend and an opening date on that Monday, and our facilitator stays to assist in the first meeting. We have done this in Canada, Arizona, and Pennsylvania with much success. There are costs involved and in all cases, the parents were able to raise the funds needed to get me or one of the facilitators to make the trip.
We work on a week-to-week basis with the parents in teaching them how to establish rules, post them, and follow through with consequences when the rules are broken. Our meetings are provided free of charge. We currently only have one Youth Support Group running, and that is in the Los Angeles area. Where are you located? Please feel free to ask any questions or concerns, and I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks for your interest in B.I.L.Y. Best of luck. — Dennis
With My B.I.L.Y. Tools, I Am OK!
Dear Dennis:
I was a B.I.L.Y. parent years ago when you had a meeting in West Hills, California. I just wanted to thank you as my daughter is now 20 years old, and although I went through hell, she is now a wonderful young woman. My 16-year-old son is struggling, but with my B.I.L.Y. tools, I am OK for now. Hope all is well in your corner. I have sent many people to B.I.L.Y. Good luck. — Lori
Dear Lori:
Thank you for the referrals and kind words. We are still in the Valley, only now at Granada Hills Charter High School, just in case you need a refresher course. Thanks again. — Dennis
Worried Parent Allowing Son to Smoke Pot at Home
Dear Dennis:
I have been concerned about my 23-year-old son since he was 16 or so when he started smoking pot. I adopted him from Korea as a single parent. He was 4 months old. He graduated from UCSB two years ago. He has been working at a high end restaurant for the last two years. I have kicked him out of the house twice because of his rages and verbal abuse. Four months ago he had been living in his car (still working). I let him move back in, and he agreed to see a psychiatrist. The doctor put him on Prozac. This has helped, although he still loses it now and then. I allow him to smoke pot in the garage although I hate it. He smokes several times a day that I know of. On his days off he gets stoned. I told him that he has to move out by September unless he gives up the pot. In the last 4 months he has paid off a $2,000 dollar credit card, pays me $250 a month rent, and has saved several hundred dollars. My question is : Am I worrying too much about the pot smoking? Should I get off his case? Thanks for any words of advice you might have. — Janice
Dear Janice:
I cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. If my son was smoking pot and I did not want him to, he would either have to quit or move. The fact that he is working and paying his bills is all good, but he is 23 years old and should be living on his own now. It's time to cut the apron strings and let go. This doesn't mean that you don't love him, it just mean that you are finally allowing him to be an adult and to live by his choices. If he gets into any trouble smoking pot and living with you, guess who will be responsible for any of the trouble? It's time for him to move on and be responsible for his own choices. If you want to see changes in your son, they must first start with you. Good luck. — Dennis
Dear Dennis:
I am so surprised that I heard from you so quickly or at all. Thank you so much. I really do want him to be on his own. As much as I love him, I enjoy living by myself. I am a quite active 69-year-old retired teacher and to be perfectly honest, tired of worrying about him and dealing with his moods, etc. Your words "allowing him to be an adult, etc." really resonated with me. I was fixated on worrying about the pot smoking. So I told him today that by September (he will be turning 24) he will have to be living on his own. The last two times I kicked him out because of his rage and his verbal abuse. This time he will be leaving to become an adult. Apartments are expensive here in California, but this should give him enough time to save money for the deposits required. I don't know who you are, Dennis, but I thank you for giving me a different way of looking at this. It has been a very difficult seven years. Jeffrey was a very loving, generous, and intelligent child, very attached to me. It's time that he sees he can be the same again, only as an adult. I'm sticking to it this time. :) Thank you for taking the time to answer my email. — Janice
Young Adult with ADHD Continuously Making Bad Choices
Dear Dennis:
I have been searching for help for months now and hope you can give me guidance. I have a 19-year-old son Zane. He graduated high school last May 2016. From that point on, he has been out of control. He has had ADHD for all of his life (since the age of 7), and he has been on Ritalin from age 7 to 16. He then decided he wanted to join the military, and he decided to stop his meds as suggested by his recruiter. I would not sign for him saying in 6 months he would be 18 (August 30th is his birth date). He still had a full year of high school, and he could sign as soon as he turned 18. He decided that was not what he wanted and did not sign when he turned 18.
He has always be a difficult one to handle. He refused school work until his grades would dip into the F's where it would prevent him from Trap team shooting and other activities. Long story short, shortly after he graduated last May, he become a son of multiple bad choices, speeding tickets, not coming home, missing work, lying, stealing, and other non-tolerable activities. In July I strongly encouraged him to get back on ADHD medication to help control his impulses. He was in agreement.
In December after his 3rd speeding ticket and being caught while he had pot in his car, each day seemed to get worse. I have taken him to a psychologist doctor, and he goes to counseling 1 or 2 times a week. We have found out he was snorting his Ritalin and has been changed to non-stimulating Strattera, and at that time he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given medication. The anti-depression and mood-stabilizer meds have been changes at his request, but he is not taking them.
He blames myself and his dad for all the wrong in his life. His family life has been pretty normal; we have been married 25 years next month, never even had a speeding ticket between his dad and myself, we do not do drugs, we have the occasional drink, and his dad has stopped his evening beers in the last month. I am a school nurse and his dad is a computer tech at the local junior college. We moved back to where we grew up when Zane was 5 and have a large extended family. Zane is now on the kick of 'he is a bad kid and can't change' after losing his job last week because the transmission went out of his car and he could not make it to work. I am worried he is never going to come out his shell of destruction. If we don't give him what he wants, he goes manic, screaming and threatening and has punched a hole in the closet door. He broke his hand punching the shed…the list goes on and we need help.
His counselor and crisis team that we have meet with do not feel he is a threat to himself or others, even thought he will say things like "I would be better off dead" or "If you try and send me away, I will kill myself."
He has a court date of March 7 (ironic - our 25th wedding anniversary). He will be losing his license for 90 days or possibly a year - the lawyer can't tell us. He may have to sit in jail 10 days if his $1,350 dollar fine is not paid in full. A few weeks ago, he broke into our gun safe and stole $570 and said he used it on gas and food.....then his counselor did not do a drug test for 2 more weeks, which he said he passed.
I have run into nonstop road blocks since he was 19 and an adult. I have had him fill out paperwork so I can be involved with his care. I just need guidance and a listening ear that has dealt with critical thinking errors and continuous bad choices. I love him so much and know that the kid we raised is in there under all of his blame for others and self loathing. Thank you. — Lee Ann
Dear Lee Ann:
I am saddened by your story and the destructive journey that your son has chosen. The difficult part here is that he is an adult and the choices to change are his, not yours. However, there are things that you could do to become a part of the solution. You did not mention where you are located. Hopefully it is in a community where there is a B.I.L.Y. group near you. If that is the case, then I would strongly suggest that you and your spouse get to a meeting for some valuable support.
In the event that there is no B.I.L.Y. group near you, then my suggestion is that you find an AlAnon meeting in your community and attend as soon as possible. Their phone number for locations and additional information is (844) 233-9692. It is important that you remember in raising children in today's world, Pain is almost always Inevitable however, the Suffering is Optional. Check our reference articles that are on our web site also. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. Thanks for contacting us. Sincerely — Dennis