Hi Patti:
I assume that your 21 year old is not living in your home. If he is, that’s not working and it’s time for him to go. If he is not and this negative behavior is still continuing, it is in his court not yours. It doesn’t mean that you should stop caring. But it does mean that you cannot fix him. He is the only one that can do that. If he chooses that life style, I for one would let him know that I do not want to see or hear from him until he is ready to seek help and change his negative behavior.
You cannot care for him but will always care about him. Being a witness to the negative behavior will continue to break you down. This is not a healthy situation. You need to take care of number one so that if and when your son makes some positive changes, you can be there for him, not while he continues on the road to disaster.
I am sure that in your State, there are places like La Hacienda, that would help him but he needs to make those choices , not you. For your support, AlAnon would be a good start. Of course B.I.L.Y. is another great resource but we are only in the Dallas area. You might want to contact our coordinator in Dallas for some additional resources. He would be more familiar than I, since he is based in Texas and I am in California. Please give him a call at (972) 647-9573. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Remember, Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck…Dennis

Dear Meechell:
This is not a healthy situation for any of you. I would suggest an immediate call to your pediatrician for a referral for both you and your son to see a psychiatrist. Some underlying issues need to be addressed. Perhaps there is a jealousy towards the brother and he is crying out for the attention. Whatever the issues, he needs help and so do you. Make the call. Good luck..Dennis

Hi Nick:
Your 18 year old as well as any of the boys, do what they do because they can. This means that something’s that you and your wife are doing are not working. The changes must start with you. My suggestion is that you start by creating the general rules in the house with chores for each child. If you were to stay in a hotel or motel anywhere, there are always rules posted on the door of the room where you are staying. Your home needs to contain the same. It helps to keep you consistent and also to promote the structure of your home without constant nagging or engaging. You are the parents, take back the control. Allowing the negative behavior of your 18 year old will only be passed on to your younger boys if they see that he is able to get away without suffering the consequences of his behavior. Remind them that if they break any of the rules, they will have consequences. I also suggest that you go to our web site and read and print up some of the references that are there. These will help you and your wife in making the changes. If there is a BILY group in your community, that should be your next stop. You need that added support to make the changes that are necessary. Your focus and energies need to be on your wife and her health. You don’t want to lose her. I lost my wife of seventeen years to complications from Diabetes. But I know that while she was alive, my children had to respect her and help in any ways that they could. You need to have a family meeting. after you and your wife establish what the rules and chores are. At that time, stress that there will be consequences for any breaking of any of the rules. Also remind your 18 year old that legally, you do not have to provide him with anything including housing and food. You are providing all the comforts and perks because you want to not because you have to. And if the negative behavior continues, then the perks and conveniences of living in your home will begin to disappear. Stay strong and remember, Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional.
Good luck…Dennis

Hi Christina:
We have parents who attend B.I.L.Y. who are dealing with children as young as 6 years old. We welcome parents who have children of all ages. We do also have a youth group on the same night but that is for teens .Learning new and effective parenting skills before your youth turns into a teen is a smart move and should help you to maintain structure and cooperation with less stress. Hope we will see you tonight. Thanks..Dennis

Hi Barbara:
Your son will have these challenges for the remainder of his life or until someday, Please God, that a cure is found. In the meantime,you must add a word to the fact that he has Diabetes and that word is Nevertheless.You and your husband need to sit down and figure out what the house rules are and what chores that your son is responsible for. Type them up and post them somewhere like the refrigerator. Then sit down with him and explain each rule and chore and remind him that if he breaks any of the rules or misses doing any of the chores, he will have consequences.
I am not sure what you are referring to when you say what part to fix but you need to parent him with love and with discipline. That is what life is about. He will have to follow rules throughout his life time and the first place that he should start is in his home with the people who mean the most to him. If feeling special is important to your son, let it be for following the rules and cooperating in the home. Reward him for any consistency in following rules and chores so that he begins to learn that it is worth it. If there is a BILY group in your community, getting support from other parents will certainly be a plus. There are some good articles on our web site under references that you might glance through.
Type One Diabetes is so much more treatable today then it was when I first met my wife in junior high in 1952 and found out that she had Juvenile Diabetes. We were best friends throughout school and throughout our marriage. She passed away in 1981. She left me with two children who now have children of their own. My daughter is now 45 and has recently developed Type Two Diabetes, so the disease remains in my family and always a concern.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Understand, your son is doing what he is doing, because he can. The changes must start with you and your husband before he can make any changes. Finding a good therapists for him is also essential. Sometimes it takes going through a few until one clicks for him or even contacting the Juvenile Diabetes Research Association for additional advise. Good Luck…Dennis

Hi Janet:
Antelope Valley is a bit of a distance from Granada Hills but we have had parents travel even further to attend our meetings. There is no BILY group any closer. I hope that you will get some support soon that will help you see that you are not throwing her away but giving her the opportunity to grow and experience what is ahead of her. You love her and that will never change. But it is time for her to witness reality and to make her own choices. Approach the September date as an opening of a new beginning for your daughter rather then a consequence. Support her with positive vibes. If helping her find a room to rent is part of the plan, be sure that she understands that she has ownership of that plan not you. There are a variety of shelters if it fails but she must realize that coming back into the home after she moves out , will no longer be an option. Good luck and stay strong and focused….Dennis

THANK YOU DENNIS. I really like that last sentence, “coming back into the home after she moves out will no longer be an option”. Thank you so much. I will take that with me. I needed to hear that. – Janet

Dear Prudence:
Unfortunately, we do not currently have a BILY group in Arizona. I would be happy to answer any questions or concerns with your daughter, if she writes into Dear Dennis. If it is a drug problem, she could also seek out AlAnon. In addition, there are some great references on our web site under reference library that she may want to download. Thanks..Dennis

Thank you, I will forward the below to her. Do you know of any other support group?
Prudence

I wish I did. AlAnon is the only active groups that we know of but they are strictly drug related. Best place to check would be the Internet in her area. Good. Luck…Dennis

Hi Mona:
On our web site , please click on “Start A Group.” Be sure to email me with any questions or concerns before getting started . Also be sure that you have a group of parents that are willing to help you get the group started. It takes at least 4-5 parents who are willing to make that commitment. I am sure that the need is great in your community as it is in all areas today . Look forward to hearing back from you…Dennis

Our daughter (36) has gone through two inheritances thru bad judgment. $30K the first time and over $100K the second. We are thinking of setting up a trust fund for her when both of us are gone. We have a son, and we were thinking of having him in charge of the trust. Do you think this is a good idea? -David

David:

How can I answer this when I know so little of the details? I do feel that If your son is a responsible business man and you are comfortable with having him control the inheritances, then perhaps that is the way to go. There are also financial establishments that can be set up to handle your inheritances. Obviously, you would not be comfortable with just handing over a large sum to your daughter ,especially with her past history of bad judgement. I always feel that a minimum amount spread over a long period of time seems to work the best with an unused balance in case of the death of the recipients, going to the next of kin with the same time frame of distribution.

I also trust that you will deservingly use a greater portion of that inheritance to enjoy your remaining years . Donate some to worthy causes and watch the growth of those organizations with your help. Paying it forward is a gift that so many fortunate people forget to do. To me, it is a blessing when you can help others and a journey that one must be on while they are in a position to help those less fortunate.

I know that personally, I devote every spare moment of my life in helping families in crisis. B.I.L.Y. has saved my life and that of my children and there is no amount of payment I can provide to ever pay them back for that gift. B.I.L.Y. exists over the past 30 years strictly on donations and volunteers such as myself. It is my journey and my mission. My children will not have much of a monetary inheritance as I am not a person of means and live on a fixed income, however, I will be leaving them the richness of knowledge on how to spread love to others less fortunate and to see that groups such as B.I.L.Y. continue to flourish.

Thank you for writing to me and I wish you a long, healthy and enjoyable life ahead of you before you have to put your plan into action.

Sincerely,
Dennis

My son is 22 years-old. From 6am to 4pm he is on the phone, texting or talking. He does not want to go to school, or get another job in the morning. Since 2007 he has been out of high school. He works from 20-30hrs a week part time in the kitchen at the local hospital. Yes, he has been sleeping with his girl, a bad influence. HELP!

Hello:
Time for him to move out!!!!! He is doing what he is doing because he can and because you continue to enable that to happen. His only chance to make some changes is after you make some changes. Get some support if you cannot do it alone. Good luck…Dennis