21 Year Old on the Road to Disaster

Dear Dennis,
My husband (Paul) and I have one son (Brian) he is 21. He started getting in trouble as early as 16. drugs, graffiti, etc. and a bad temper when disciplined. Things are much worse now. He was arrested in 2009 for drug sales and we left him in jail for 3 months hoping he would learn his lesson. In short he hasn’t. We need help, we have tried every thing I’m an emotional wreck, and its affecting our health and we are at a loss and have no one to talk to for help. We have tried everything I found your name through Google. I can’t explain all cause I’m on a cell and don’t text very good. Could you call me tomorrow? I’m in Fort Worth, Texas. -Patti

Hi Patti:
I assume that your 21 year old is not living in your home. If he is, that’s not working and it’s time for him to go. If he is not and this negative behavior is still continuing, it is in his court not yours. It doesn’t mean that you should stop caring. But it does mean that you cannot fix him. He is the only one that can do that. If he chooses that life style, I for one would let him know that I do not want to see or hear from him until he is ready to seek help and change his negative behavior.
You cannot care for him but will always care about him. Being a witness to the negative behavior will continue to break you down. This is not a healthy situation. You need to take care of number one so that if and when your son makes some positive changes, you can be there for him, not while he continues on the road to disaster.
I am sure that in your State, there are places like La Hacienda, that would help him but he needs to make those choices , not you. For your support, AlAnon would be a good start. Of course B.I.L.Y. is another great resource but we are only in the Dallas area. You might want to contact our coordinator in Dallas for some additional resources. He would be more familiar than I, since he is based in Texas and I am in California. Please give him a call at (972) 647-9573. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. Remember, Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional. Good luck…Dennis

Related Topics: drugs

6 Year Old Needs Help

Dear Dennis:
I have a 6 year old who has recently starting telling me he hates himself.And everyone around him.He yells at his 15 month old brother. He tells he he wants to live somewhere else. He says he wishes he was never born & that his sis was never born. It breaks my heart. He treats me like crap then says he is sorry.He doesn’t listen to anyone other than his stepfather who has been his Dad for the last 3 years or so. I’m at the end of my rope. I want to give up so badly. I don’t know what to do. It seams like the harder I try the less it helps. I hate to say this but sometimes I want to give him away. Please help me. I need to know what to do. I don’t want to give up on my child. I never thought I would have him. I prayed for him for many years. Please help. -Meechell

Dear Meechell:
This is not a healthy situation for any of you. I would suggest an immediate call to your pediatrician for a referral for both you and your son to see a psychiatrist. Some underlying issues need to be addressed. Perhaps there is a jealousy towards the brother and he is crying out for the attention. Whatever the issues, he needs help and so do you. Make the call. Good luck..Dennis

Related Topics: young child

Four Sons

Dear Dennis,
I am the father of 4 sons ages 19,18,14 and 10.My 19 yr old was born with an emotional disability and we deal with it but our other 3 sons are just getting to be too much for us. My 18 year old doesn’t want to do a thing for us or expects to get paid for the slightest thing he does,my wife has a bad heart and he will sit there and watch her struggle trying to do something.He refuses to get a job and teaches our younger children inappropriate things,such as making fun of people,picking on people to the extent that we don’t want to take them anywhere anymore.My 2 youngest children had played sports for years but now seem to want follow in my 18 yr old’s footsteps and we just cant allow it, any help is greatly appreciated! Thank you, Nick

Hi Nick:
Your 18 year old as well as any of the boys, do what they do because they can. This means that something’s that you and your wife are doing are not working. The changes must start with you. My suggestion is that you start by creating the general rules in the house with chores for each child. If you were to stay in a hotel or motel anywhere, there are always rules posted on the door of the room where you are staying. Your home needs to contain the same. It helps to keep you consistent and also to promote the structure of your home without constant nagging or engaging. You are the parents, take back the control. Allowing the negative behavior of your 18 year old will only be passed on to your younger boys if they see that he is able to get away without suffering the consequences of his behavior. Remind them that if they break any of the rules, they will have consequences. I also suggest that you go to our web site and read and print up some of the references that are there. These will help you and your wife in making the changes. If there is a BILY group in your community, that should be your next stop. You need that added support to make the changes that are necessary. Your focus and energies need to be on your wife and her health. You don’t want to lose her. I lost my wife of seventeen years to complications from Diabetes. But I know that while she was alive, my children had to respect her and help in any ways that they could. You need to have a family meeting. after you and your wife establish what the rules and chores are. At that time, stress that there will be consequences for any breaking of any of the rules. Also remind your 18 year old that legally, you do not have to provide him with anything including housing and food. You are providing all the comforts and perks because you want to not because you have to. And if the negative behavior continues, then the perks and conveniences of living in your home will begin to disappear. Stay strong and remember, Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional.
Good luck…Dennis