Lesson 1: I Will be Number One

Regain your credibility as a parent. Feel good about the home that you live in and understand that you and your child/children are not equal. This was the beginning stage of changes that I had to make in my home. My children were making some of the decisions that I as a parent was responsible for. The only parenting skills that a child learns should mostly come from their own parent. It’s time to set that standard by taking the reins back. I wanted my kids to remember their days of growing up in a loving and well structured home which I hoped would be what they would create in their homes someday with their kids.

I had to contend with the influences of not only their peers but also the parents of their peers. In the case of a divorced parent, one must also contend with the structures offered by the other parent and will often hear, “When I am At Mom’s/Dad’s house, I don’t have to do this…”

You must take charge and set the tone. Sometimes it may come off as being selfish but you must take care of number one first.

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Lesson 2: I Will no Longer Feel Guilty

I know that I have done the best job that I can in raising my kid/s. I am not the sole cause of my child’s behavior. I will not buy into the “Why didn’t I’s” or “Maybe I should haves” I am not the sole cause of my child’s behavior. I soon learned that I moved down several notches of the totem pool in influence once my children reached the teen age years. Their most important influence became their friends. Being accepted may mean following some paths that would not be advised or allowed by you, their parent, but being accepted by their peers seems to take priority.

And then there is the parent of your child’s friend who also passes you on that totem pole because they allow their child to do things that would not be allowed in your home such as later curfews, smoking or drinking, unlimited access to computers without supervision etc, etc,etc…

There are many reason for parents to feel guilty and just to name a few; mental health issues, substance abuse, divorce, death of a spouse, adopted child, second marriage with other children brought into the mix or single parenting. These are all good reasons for the parent to feel guilty and allow the child to use the labels. However, I like to add a word to each and every reason which allows you to get through these labels and that is Nevertheless. It directs you to drop the labeling and to treat each child with structure in your job in preparing the child to someday be on their own.

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Lesson 3: I Will Not Share in my Child’s Crisis

I will put the crisis where it belongs. If my child chooses to put himself or herself in crisis, I will no longer pad those corners or become a rescuer. We begin to rescue our kids at a very young age. Even as an infant after they have been fed, burped, clean diapered and placed in a warm comfortable crib but they want to be held, they learn quickly that the crying usually does the trick and once in the parent’s warm embrace, the crying ceases. Then there is the six year old who is playing with the neighbor’s child in your yard and comes running in and screaming that the neighbor’s child hit your child. You run out there and yell at the neighbor’s child to not hit your child and of course the neighbor is in her kitchen and hears you yelling at her child. This usually results in you and the neighbor having a confrontation while your kid and hers are already building a sand castle and are laughing at both of you.
Then there is the teenager who gets a ticket for driving or a fine for curfew and you are first to pay it. How about the adult child that calls you because they failed to pay a parking ticket and just got arrested. You rush down there to bail them out.
It would be wonderful if we as adults had someone who was always there to bail us out but it’s not reality. Giving the child ownership in many cases teaches valuable lessons in the transition to their adulthood.

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Lesson 4: I Will Learn to Let Go

My child needs to become more independent so that he/ she can gain self confidence. I must allow my child that space. Letting go does not mean that you do not love them but that you are permitting that child to grow and make some of their own choices. They soon learn that positive choices allow them to reap the benefits and negative choices make them face the consequences. This also gives them ownership of the outcome and the blame is no longer yours.

Letting go is not giving up or that you have stopped caring. But I began to ‘care about’ in place of ‘caring for.’ Yes there will be many times when you will find yourself giving in but you must never give up.

There is a great need for giving the child these directions so that in ownership, especially of successes, they will start to feel good about themselves. It also tends to help the child with low self esteem. Kids with low self esteem are the easiest prey for drugs, gangs and low school productivity.

It is not always your job to fix but to be supportive. Even in twelve step programs, they teach powerlessness which means the outcome is not in our hands. Once I was able to accept this, I was able not to take on the responsibilities that I did not have control over.

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Lesson 5: I Will Make the Rules

These rules in my home are strictly what I am comfortable with. I pay the bills, I make the rules.

There is one reason for negotiation with your child and that is if your child is working 40 hours a week and paying half of your mortgage, half of all your utilities and kicks in with the groceries. Then and only then may they sit down with you and negotiate the rules.

I also believe and insist that rules be posted within the home and that they be for everyone living in that home. If you were to check into a room in any hotel or motel around the world, you would find on the back of the door of that room, the rules of that establishment. Rules such as, price, how many people can stay in that room, check in and out times, smoking or no smoking, not to take the elevator in case of a fire, no loud music after a certain time and don’t take the towels down to the pool.. The same must apply in your house rules. Curfew is for all the kids, everyone must have chores or responsibilities, respect must be given if expected to receive, If you do not want drugs used by your children , then you must also not use drugs and so forth..

Having posted rules also eliminates another major issue in ones home, and that is non-consistency. Keep this structure alive and respect will be carried on. You are also teaching your child what will work in their own homes when they have their own families. Also advise family members that the breaking of any rules will result in a consequence.

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Lesson 6: I Will Follow Through

One of the most important steps in BILY is learning to act instead of react. Each crisis must have a consequence that you are prepared to follow through with. I will change patterns of behavior and always be a step ahead.

Your children have your number. They have been studying you for all these years. They know how to manipulate you, how to annoy and create crisis and in the case of a two parent home, they are fully aware of which one of you is the ‘marshmallow’ and which one is the ‘authoritarian.’

It’s time to throw them off guard. If you want your child to change, then the first person who must change is you. Here’s little test for you. Next time you are around the child that in any way causes you some strife, have a big smile on your face when dealing with them. Why? Because children do not like happy parents when they are upset. They would rather see you screaming, veins popping, slamming doors and crying. At least one or more of those will put them in charge. Try smiling, followed by not engaging.

Consequences must become a way of life in your home. Immediate consequences are never necessary unless it is life threatening. Always let the culprit who has broken a rule know that a consequence will follow. Their first response will always be ,”What is it?” because they need to process it immediately. Throw them off by telling them that you will have to discuss it with your spouse and will get back to them. Always present the consequence whenever you can with your spouse and start out the conversation with “We have decided that your consequence is…” Letting your children know that you and your spouse are on the same page is vital. Never tell them ahead of time what a consequence will be because they will weigh one against the other and may decide it is worth the crime.

In the event that you are involved in a support group such as BILY, then let them know that you will discuss it with your group and get back to them.

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Lesson 7: I Will Keep the Lines of Communication Open

This is one of the missing ingredients in many homes and that is the lack of or proper procedures in communicating with your child. You need to allow time for open discussion and remind your child often that what ever I am doing is ‘Because I Love You.’

Real communication means listening, sharing, disagreeing, offering suggestions and accepting compromise. Listen to their wants and needs and get to know their goals and desires. Many children are not willing to open up and share their feelings, or even face each other without confrontations.

We teach parents to learn when to deal and when to walk away and deal later. You must always validate their feelings and allow them the time to get it off their chests. Sometimes just giving them a piece of paper and pen and having them go into their rooms and write whatever it is that they would like to say to you at that moment. Let them know they will not be judged on content nor will you see it only they will be able to use it as a guideline when you get together and share. Tell them you will be doing the same and then in a day or so when you are both/all in a better place, you will pull out these notes and share.

If you have a debater, don’t debate or they will break you down. Walk away and don’t engage. If they follow you and continue the debating, go and take a shower. We have never heard of a youth that has followed his/her parent into a shower. If not that, go into your lockable bedroom or take a walk around the block. Southern California BILY parents have the advantage of the ‘Open Your Heart Communication Workshops’ offered yearly.
Hopefully one day you will have this available in your community.

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Lesson 8: Always Avail my Family of Resources & Material

Obtain any and all, literature pertaining to the problems of your child as well as preventive measures. Be able to direct them to the proper channels, be it education, drug problems or a youth support group.

With the invention of computers and the Internet, we now have a way to research all types of issues. It is advisable that you have available at all times, knowledge of drugs used in your community. As an example, are you aware of the new synthetic marijuana that has hit the market? It is known as Spice or K2. It has the same effect as pot but is now a legal substance that is sold to 18 year old or older in all the ‘Head’ and ‘Smoke’ shops around town. It may not yet be in your neighborhood but you should know what to look for and watch out for it. It also is undetectable by most drug tests.

Are you also aware that the number one drugs of choice today are prescription drugs so make sure yours are locked up and not readily available for your kids and their friends to get a hold of.

Learn about the gang activity and also what the dress motif of the gangs in your area. You may not have a gang member in your home but you could have a gang member ‘want a be.’

Keep an eye open for a community awareness faire in your area and always attend them. You can pick up much valuable material that may come in handy one day. If there is a parent support group in your area, join in. If your school has the PTSA, become a member. You only have up to 18 years to make a difference in your child’s life. Do all you can, while you can.

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Lesson 9: Work Towards a More Realistic Family Life

You are not now, nor will you ever be the Brady Bunch. What you want in your home most of all is cooperation with everyone doing their part. We all have visions of the perfect family. I don’t believe there really is one.

You must learn not to set goals that are unattainable. You also need to respect that your wants and desires for your children are not necessarily their wants and desires. This was a very hard step for me as I always expected so much more from my children then they were able to give me. But as the years went on, I realized that the wants and desires that I must continue to have for them has changed to ‘Health’ and ‘Happiness.’ If they at least have that, I feel that I have done a good job in parenting. We must remember that it is unrealistic for us to expect them to always follow our lead.

Concentrate on what is most important in your home. We as parents can only state our goals, standards, morals and expectations but our children are going to make their own choices.

Allow them to make you proud of them.

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Lesson 10: Become Active in a ‘Parent Support Group’

If you are the parent of a troubled youth then you have three choices. First you can reach out to your family for advice. Many times you will find this is a road to guilt as they will have a tendency to let you know all the things that perhaps you have done wrong. It is many time hard for family to believe that you are having any issues with the perfect child that shows up at their home.

Then there is your friends who all have perfect children or at least they think they do. Therefore, it is hard for them to advise other then perhaps suggesting some type of therapy for you and the family.

Then of course there is therapy and in many cases this is very effective. In mine, I learned after a year of therapy with a handful of therapists, that my children were as capable of manipulating the different therapists the same way they were manipulating me. Finally one honest therapist after just one session advised me to stop wasting my money and her time. When my kids ask me for help, bring them back If I wanted to see her for my own issues, she was available but not to see the kids.

Then I found the parent support group and my life and that of my children changed forever. No, it was not all uphill. My son helped me create a youth group which in turn brought him peer support as well as peer pressure. However, he was able to turn his life around in a very short period of time and the light at the end of the tunnel for him was not a train. The train wreck was with my daughter who dragged herself through 8 years of turmoil before making the decision to change. What helped me to keep my senses and not fall completely apart was joining a support group.

If there is not one in your area, do as I did. Create one. Even a coffee clutch with a few parents from your child’s school well be welcomed. Get involved with parents who are having or have had similar problems. There is also nothing wrong with nipping it in the bud or even getting together before the problems arise.

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